i kept banging.
    
and banging.
       
but no one would answer.


then i realized i was knocking from the inside.

There was a time when i went through something so tragic that it left me feeling so distraught. so broken. left in pieces. with no one there to help me pick them up. so weak i couldnt even pick them up. so confused i didnt even know how to gather the pieces together. i didnt know where they started or ended. whether i was coming or going. i was lost. in pain. i hurt so much to the point where i couldnt hurt anymore. i was numb. i couldnt even feel anymore. didnt want to feel anymore. didnt know how to feel anymore. it was almost like i got into an accident and was left paralyzed. my mind, my heart, and my soul was just paralyzed. so much so to the point where i could not think, feel, or do properly. so much so to the point that if someone even gave me the chance to walk again, i did not remember how to. i was pushed to a certain state of mind, stuck there for so long that when i had a chance to be happy again, i couldnt even see it... i couldnt even be it...i couldnt even feel it..i lacked the motivation to reach it, i lacked energy for life...the ability to embrace it and face it. sadness and pain was all i knew for a while. it was soooo weird. you know, alot of times ... when one door of happiness closes, another opens- but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. but i know for myself, slowly but surely, ive been able to open my eyes again, which opened my mind and as far as im concerned, the pieces are coming together. im finding my way, finding myself. my strength has been regained and i'm starting to feel my senses again. im not flying or running yet, but i am walking. and truth be told, it feels good.

Sometimes life can back you in a corner and make you feel like odds are against you. Dont back down, but be strong and stand up to your problems. Dont lose hope, let discouragement take over you, or make you feel worthless, instead exhaust all possibilies to make things better. That is the only way you will find peace and make things even again. Sometimes life makes you feel like giving up. That is when you have to look around and see all that you still have to be thankful for.Sometimes life puts you in a place so isolated, feeling so alone like no one in the world understands. But know that there is one person who knows you more than even know yourself. The one who created you. Guaranteed He understands every thought process in your head and can follow every beat your heart projects.Sometimes u feel like life is passing you by. Like your locked in a room looking out the window just watching all the little kids outside playing and having fun. Well, that is when you need to find the key to the door, open it up, and run out there with the rest of them. Stop letting people hold you back and letting things get the best of you and enjoy life!

It can rain. and rain.

and rain some more.

but the sun gotta shine sometime.

one way or another. know that.

I know i been away, sort of MIA
But I can assure you i'm not dead

Just been trying to clear my head

In my own personal war zone

Just trying to make my way home

I've lost the use of my heart

But I'm still alive

Still looking for the life

The endless pool on the other side

I'm at the borderline of my faith,

I'm at the hinterland of my devotion

In the frontline of this battle of mine

But I'm still alive

I'm a soldier of love.

Every day and night

I'm a soldier of love

All the days of my life

I've been torn up inside

I've been left behind

But I ride

I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,

Trying my hardest

Doing my best

To stay alive

 

I am lost

But I don't doubt

I ride

I have the will to survive

WHEN WHAT ONE THINKS SAYS

MATCHES WHAT THEY DO,

THAT IS WHEN THEY WILL FIND COMPLETION.

you know, i find it really interesting that mentally crazy/psychotic people are actually really smart. They use parts of their brain at a more increased level than the average person does, which is why they are capable of doing things and carrying certain things out that regular people can't. So it got me to thinking, some people have big hearts. most don't. the ones with big hearts use their hearts more because they have more space to be filled than those who don't have big hearts. which apparenty makes them more susceptible to heartbreache. & their heart more prone to damage. By this point, you should know i'm speakin figuratively and really do not have that much science knowledge to be talkin about the capacity and size of a real heart. i'm just a writer, that is all. at any rate, ive come to realize we all were made differently for a reason and we cant change that. Some are just naturally built with big hearts. Others are not. However, those with big hearts can do well to screen what they allow inside their heart. sorta like osmosis. [more, science talk. haha] i mean, just because someone has a big mouth doesn't mean they should eat everything they see. That was so trite, but you get the point.

When people disrespect you, there is not always a need for retaliation. Sometimes, we have to respect ourselves enough to have a personal dismissal from a situation.

*note to self:stop taking things to the heart so much before it explodes.

The other day,
someone told me
"get over yourself"
I replied, "you first."
        ha.

For most of my life,
I've been a nomad, yes
But for the rest of my life,

    I'M LATE NIGHT TV & YOU, MY FRIEND ARE  MY

                           .

"When your heart matches your mind,

it is then that you will experience true happiness."

When i was younger,
I always wanted to be famous.
Now that i'm older, i just want to be myself.

Sometime one could experience something so long that when what they truly deserves does find them, they don't even know to accept it. Some may suffer sadness for so long that they can't even recognize happiness anymore. Treated badly for so long they dont even know what it's like to feel good. Unappreciated for most of their life that being loved almost seems impossible. Be in darkess for so long they wouldnt even know what light was if it stared them in the face. Sometime people are taken so far there is no point of return. They say when a good girl's gone, she's gone forever, but i believe there's always hope. No matter what happens, let's not let the bad make us oblivious to the good. We all deserve the better half of the paradox.

Last nite, i had a dream i had feelings for you. In the beginning, they were planted firmly. As the dream progressed, they grew like a beanstalk for all the land to see. However, they failed to be watered and nourished like they needed to be. As a result . . .

 

                                             

                Despite what you think, i wont always be around.

              One day, that dream is going to come true.

              And there won't be anymore seeds left for you.

Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except thru me."- John 14:6

In a world full of confusion, lies and deceit, and death...we should want no to seek nothing else but them. True story.

Unfortunately, we can't rewind , pause, or fast  forward time . . . all we can do is press play. Hence, we want to always remember to have a good cast in our life, listen to your director, and follow your script because one day your life is going to flash right before your eyes and you want to be sure it's a good picture with a happy ending :)

"Anybody that knows me knows that I have a very, very bipolar personality, so one minute I’m excited and the next minute I’m crying and the next minute I’m cussing and yelling and the next minute I’m singing Enya." - nicki m.

 yes, i am a work of art, but

 i plan to be a masterpiece.

i don't even know

if anyone even reads this thing.

but for those who do, thank you.

for your interest. for your attention.

i hope in some way, shape, or form-

my thoughts and feelings, as dispersed

& haphazard as they are,

comfort and inspire you

in ways you never imagined and

never thought were possible.

Good day :)

If someone didn't give you your joy, 
then they can't take it away either.

i just have this huge gut feeling that when all is said and done, when i get completely tired of you, tired of trying, and i stop believing. . . that is when you will start. that is when you will realize where you went wrong and what you lost. and it's going to be too late. there wont be a word left to say to change my mind. as dramatically self righteous as it sounds, you will never find any one else on this entire earth as loving as me. and honestly, i'm gonna feel bad for you because you can't even see it now but you're going to need me. bad as the air you breathe. and i wont be there. i guess that's why i subconsciously linger on, stick around, and hold on with what's left of my fingertips. because i'm trying to give you a chance. while u still have one. i'm trying to love you while it's still there. but i can feel it slowly fading already. slowly burning out. right along with the patience i've been striving to have. and pretty soon, i will throw in the towel. along with the rag i used to scrub you off.  i'm just letting you know now. don't say i never warned you.

"With all of us praying for the same thing, we are sure to get a result."

How do two totally different people with diverse minds, separate hearts, and opposite souls still manage to think the same thoughts, feel equivalent emotions, and move to identical rhythms? There is no one else like you. like me. like we. Pound for pound. We shut it down.

"For a man to lead an orchestra, he must turn his back to the crowd."

i vow to be nothing less than F I E R C E.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. Remember that : )

pac said it best.

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together,  contemplating every if, and, or but, justifying what should've, could've, would've happened . . . or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on."- Tupac Shakur

i choose to move.

Go girl, it's ya birfday!

        As you all know (or should know), i am a proud March baby & to be exact, 3.15.87 was the special day I came into existence. As of today, I am officially in the Jordan club now! :) THE BIG 2-3! oh my, you say? Yess hunnie. 23!! i could scream. i just cant believe it. Its so crazy to even think of myself being this age because it almost seems like just yesterday i was 13! 

         Anyhow, today was a good day. I did not celebrate my DOB like most people do because I personally DO NOT agree with or practice the customs that are associated with birthdays at all. The origins behind it all do not sit right with me and if you took time to learn and analyze them, you'd agree they def dont sit right with God either. To be perfectly honest, we all are imperfect human beings who sin every single day- really that is nothing to extravagantly praise. If anything, our being here is a gift from Jehovah, so all the praise & glorification goes to Him, not us. And when all is said & done,  people should be genuinely appreciated EVERY day of their life & not just ONE.

   

        Therefore, I simply just took a day to rest and have some time for peace of mind and just thought of all I am grateful for. Overall, I am thankful for everyday but i am especially appreciative to have lived this far. I know I am not thaaat old but we are all imperfect and everyday is not promised to us.  My 22nd year was a very crazy, tumultous, emotional, pivotal one for me & i honestly didn't think (or know how) i was going to make it to see another one but i did! I'm still standing!  As i look back, i want to cry about all i went through but instead I smile at the tremendous growth it provided for me & now i am now adamately looking forward to EVERYTHING this 23rd year holds for me. So, with that said...                                                     

                                                                      
                                                                      HERE'S . . .
                                             

Just try;  u just might be pleasantly surprised at the results you get ;)

My eyes used to be brown but the sorrow turned them blue. Look at my lips. They’re all red from drinking the blood that came from you. I used to be a strong black woman. But you took my color from me without me even knowing.  i feel so blind, so parched, so weak. Lord, give me sunlight again, please.

i saw your

beauty.

even after

u used me.

abused me.

seduced me.

caught me

then threw me.

loosened me.

then screwed me.

cut me off

after u grew me.

spit me out

after u chewed me.

confused me.

then shooed me.

flipped the script

like a tp movie.

gave u your

first art set

& this how u

drew me?

apparently, you

never knew me.

 i never knew this is

how u would do me.

but see, this is the part

where u lose me.

and i def think it's time

 for a new me.

cuz this is not how i

pictured the true me.

Did you notice that we always count the amount of things we could've done more than the things we can still do?

faithful & true

flashing ! lights !

We are all meant to shine. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

he loves me, he loves me NOT...

IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT WHEN A MAN IS BROKEN

THAT IS WHEN HE WILL SEE WHAT HE IS MADE OF.

can you tell?

Some people can't
see the bigger picture
until the camera is in their hand.

blow me away.

Today, i

just want to run thru a field of daisies, have a picnic on a mountaintop w/ the love of my life, walk on the beach as the sun sets, lay on my roof & count the stars, ride a dolphin's back in the turquoise water, play hide & go seek like a kid again, chow down icecream sundaes w/ my favorite person on a swinging chair, &... lay in a hammock & drink lemonade. . . What do you want to do today?

the epitome of happy feet.

even if you do not feel it today, i promise

i tell myself

this too, shall pass.

FAME IS A SAD STORY WITH A PRETTY COVER.

Love is not about how much we can take from someone,

it's fairly about how much we can give.

Forget Land of the Free//

it is what it is.

say ya love me, say ya love me.

& write it in a love song.

I've dealt with numerous amounts of ppl in my life, shared friendships with lots of different kinds of people, engaged in relationships with a wide variety of people. Some loyal, many not. Its funny because the main people I thought I could trust, I really couldn’t. The same people I thought would always be there, dissapeared before I could barely blink my eye.

Its truly ashame, for loyalty is undoubtedly a rarity nowadays. Its foreign to really have and find a friend, or a person in general who will be there for you thru the good times AND bad. People who will stick with you even when times get rough. People who will love you for you and want to support and be there for you regardless of what happens in life. People u can sit with on rockin chairs 50 years later and look back on all the many years you’ve shared together. That’s rare.


                                              

So I’m just asking- what kind of person are you? After its all said & done, will u love me in the morning? Or after the evening, will you leave me? Once the suns up, will u give up?

                                           it gets harder every day

but i cant seem to shake the pain

i'm tryna find the words to say.

please stay.

it's written all over my face.

i cant function the same
when you're not here.

i'm callin your name

and no ones there.

i hope one day you'll see,

it's really not that easy...

      EVERY SECOND, EVERY MINUTE,

     EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY,

    EVERY WEEK OF EVERY MONTH

                                                                        . . . and still does.

Dear _________,

                                                               Fill in the blank.

   Aint no feeling like being free, when your mind's made up and your heart is in the right place.- DC3

CHANGE IS GOOD BUT IT SHOULD NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF LOYALTY.

once all is said & done...

because even

 when eagles forget how to fly

and it's 20 below in July,

 when violets turn red

and roses turn blue,

i'll be still in love with you.

MARS

It seems as if everyone was screaming "Happy New Year" just the other day and today is the second day of March already. I can't believe it. Boy does time go by. As you all know, March is the time when the snow stops falling, the sun starts shining, the birds start calling, flowers start smiling...

but it's also the month of my birth :)

If i must say so myself, March is absolutely one of thee BEST months to be born in. I am personally honored and very proud to be born during this amazing month. Even with their flaws, people born in March remain by far- the most distinct. They are actually the hardest to describe, for out of all the months, they are the most malleable. However, they are very intriguing & special  to say the least.

They are known to be very selfless and spiritual. Out of all the other months, they seem to be part of a world other than our own. Ironically, March is actually translated "Mars" in French and people who are different or have a mind if their own are often said to live on Mars, which is of course in outer space. How funny is the whole relation? :) Anyhow, Marchers feel truly comfortable in this other world for they are focused upon an inner journey of their own making. Interestingly enough, they alternate between reality and fantasy, completely in keeping with their yin and yang sensibility. They are perfectly happy to be considered hazy; after all, their extremely sensitive natures find a kind of safety in this fantasy world they have created.

Marchers are also super compassionate people. They quickly put another’s needs before their own, a type of self-sacrifice which keeps them going. They care so deeply they can literally feel another’s pain. This giving, sensitive nature sometimes causes pain for them. Unfortunately, other people so often take advantage of their kind and giving nature and often times, many cannot understand or relate to their intense compassion and self sacrifice, so much so that they cannot come to terms with reciprocating or appreciating the behavior of the Marcher.

 

Lastly, March babies are often gifted artistically and thrive when they can freely exercise their imagination. They possess wonderful creativity and a love of beauty. Their travel plans often include remote, exotic places far away from the usual tourist locations. He doesn’t fare well in a controlled environment and will quickly rebel against convention. They like solitude, mystery and the ridiculous. If it is different, they will most likely want it.

There is so much more to us but for the most part, March babies are overall affectionate, rather reserved, secretive , naturally honest, generous and sympathetic, loves peace and serenity, sensitive to others, loves to serve others , not easily angered , trustworthy, appreciative and returns kindness, observant and assess others, revengeful, but easily drawn by others, and love to dream and fantasize. These dreamers can be a wonder in your life as long as they feel loved and accepted. In return, they will stay with you wherever you go, giving and caring with every cell of their being.

 

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/alexistanyelle

The motivation for me is them telling me what i could not be.

one day,

i'm sure i will look back at this particular time in my life and laugh at all the things that have happened, smile at all the growing up i did, and crack up at how dramatic and crazy my feelings about people, places, and things caused me to act...but right now, there is nothing funny.

since you been gone, i learned how to move on. how to be myself. dont need nobodys help. dealin with you, i forgot that i could. feel so good. i forgot that i should... take a fresh step. a deep breath. i don't need a reason why. to just take time. i realized i have to walk, run, dive. it was a close call. had a little fall. but all i had to do was try. at the end of the day, even angels have to learn to fly.

it could all be so simple. but we would rather make it hard.  if you didnt know, the art of simplicity simply  means making peace with the world's complexities. it maybe hard to do, but it's really not that hard to understand.

i risked falling so i could fly.
i risked crying so i could smile.
in shallow waters, i risked a dive.
i risked dying so I could feel alive.
and i must say, it was worth the try.

! direction
               only
                      the
                            in
                                 on
                                       move
                                                 i

cant be scared to fail in the search of affection.

[For all you non-literary folks, the words are purposely formed in an upward motion, representing a staircase...therefore defining the only direction i am trying to move is UP]

waiting to exhale.

SO MANY SAY I INSPIRE THEM. NOW IF ONLY I COULD INSPIRE MYSELF.

everything im not makes me everything i am.

I'll never be picture-perfect Beyonce,
Fly like J-Lo,

or singing baby like Shanti...

I barely comb my hair, & yeah..

That's on a good day

I don't care what the hood say

I ain't street like Keyshia

Aint never tried to be

I got soul in my soul

But not quite like Mary

Ain't nothing really R&B about me

But I got knowledge if you really want to talk about it

I don't fit in boxes, but i walk around them
I got too much "I DONT GIVE A WHAT" in my cup

But I'm not apologetic;
cuz if you don't like me...

Its probably 'cause you don't get it

whitney said she was every woman;

I AM THE EPITOME OF A WOMAN.

 it's ALL in me.
anything you want done baby, i'll do it naturally.

ghetto supastar,

    THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. 

    RUN AWAY WITH ME. TO ANOTHER PLACE.

WE CAN RELY ON EACH OTHER.

FROM ONE CORNER TO ANOTHER.

you muggin me, im muggin back.

unconditional love

somewhere along this road,

       she lost her soul to a man.

      
                                                                             now she's heartless.

just when i thought i was over it,

you.

you do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. the single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.- jo courdert

Every woman has a purpose. Nothin happens by chance. This is your life here in your hands. U gotta fight to take the stand. And I know u might not see it, but the high can fall so fast. When your in first, don’t forget the last. U gotta give it all u have. Life can be forgiving. But im fighting to keep on living.

When someone shows u who they are, believe them. Often times, we meet ppl and we think they are so wonderful and then down the line..it almost seems like they’ve changed into a completely different person. But in actuality, they still are the same person they were when u met them. You were just too blond to see it. Please, when people show you who they are, don’t hesitate to believe them. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can change them either, bc in essence…you cant. You will never be able to. As imperfect humans, we only have the power to inspire others but the only ppl we can change are ourselves. I spent most of my life in relationships trying to change ppl and all it has done is change me in the end. I thought somehow in some way by me doin certain things, sacrificing myself in various ways that that would motivate the person or trigger some sort of lightbulb in their heads to make them change their ways or behavior. I thought my example or actions would be strong enough to move them. But it is an ancient old fact that you cannot change ppl unless they want to be changed. No matter what you do.

sadly mistaken

i dont miss you,
i miss who i thought you were.

On to the Next One

Sometime progression may require falling back.

Start Living

Everyone has a to do list.
Its time u start checkin off
things & seeing what you’ve missed.

finish line

no matter where u go in life,
be sure to meet yourself there :)

its ok to cry sometime

carm, i had to steal this one. thanks :)

"Happiness doesn't last forever and nethier does sadness. Sometime you just have to take one for the collective team. It's your moment to be sad and a moment is all it is." We all will experience things in life that are going to make us sad. Thats okay! Sadness is an emotion! It doesn't make u weak, it doesnt make you any less of a person! It makes u human! Just know that after every sad moment, lies a happy one.and vice versa. its just the circle of life. it is our job to embrace it.

look up lex, say cheese

After all ive been through, i must say i have to got to have something great in store for me. ive been empty for too long. i must have some happiness in store for me because i've been sad for too long. i must have a higher position waiting to be fulfilled because ive never felt this low before. I guess the good thing about being down is that there is nowhere else to go but up. Things can only get better because the worst has already occurred.

almost famous

im not lost, just undiscovered.
cant wait to find & fall in love with the woman i am destined to be.

we shall overcome

when the power of love
overcomes the love of power,
that's when the world will know peace.

chatterbox

i know i talk alot of $h!#
but i really dont mean it.
                                                                   forgive me, please.

The Scene of LOVE

Him: Would you just stay with me?

Her: Stay with you, what for? Look at us, we're already fighting!


Him: Well, that’s what we do. We fight! U tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a b***h and I tell you when youre being a pain in the a**. Which you are!! 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings! U have like a 2 second rebound rate and youre back doing the next pain in the a** thing!


Her: So what?


Him: So, its not gonna be easy! Its gonna be really hard! And were gonna have to work at this everyday but I wanna do that because I want you! I want all of you forever. You and me. Everyday.


[WHEN YOU FIND SOMEONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY, NEVER LET THEM GO!]